People Are Who They Are!

Heart Break

Last weekend the weather was beautiful. I had worked all week on my job and took Sunday and Monday off. I spent both days cleaning in the house good and when it cooled down in the evening I worked out in the yard. It was heaven. Monday night I got sick. I mean really sick. I started coughing a dry hacking nothing cough that wouldn't stop. By the middle of the night I hurt all over from the coughing and by early morning I literally could not breathe. If you tried to get in touch with God during that time you found his line busy because I had him seriously tied up. I thought I was going to die and I was trying really hard to convince him that I just wasn't ready.

Tuesday morning I went to the doctor. She thought I was going to die in her office because I barely could breathe well enough to tell her what was going on. She wanted to know why I didn't go to the emergency room. I told her it was a long story and that I didn't have enough breath to explain. So she worked with me. She gave me a breathing treatment first thing. Then she gave me two shots in the butt, one of steroids and another of antibiotics. She wrote me a boatload of prescriptions and sent me to the hospital for a chest x-ray. I was breathing a little better, but still struggling.

I came home and started on my prescriptions. When I talked to my brother on the phone, he called my daughter and told her she should get her butt over here and help me. So she showed up Wednesday afternoon. That was fine. I had everything pretty well under control by then, but it was good to know someone was here if I got really bad again.

Dr. April had said to come back on Thursday and let her check me again. So Thursday, my daughter and I went back to the office and I got another breathing treatment, which actually felt good at that point. I had not been able to smoke during all this time, thank goodness, but the anxiety was really getting to me and I didn't want to give in to it. It also made the breathing difficult to be anxious. So she gave me another prescription for my nerves so I would stay calm and not smoke. I was doing really good at this point. Everything she had been giving me to help the breathing was keeping me from sleeping, so I needed the rest. I came in that evening and took a nice warm bath, took a nerve pill and laid down and slept for the first time in four days. It felt good.

Now, I know most of you have probably not paid much attention, but I don't really talk about my children much here. Mainly because I don't want to lie. They are both drug addicts. My daughter being the worse. It's a long sordid story, but Xanax are her drug of choice at this point in her life, so I was a little concerned to have a big bottle of nerve pills in the house with her here. I trusted her though…to a point.

I went in and went to sleep for a few hours. I felt really good when I woke back up about 2:00 this morning. I noticed my daughter had gone to sleep and it was early for her. I got nervous. I took the bottle of nerve pills back to the bathroom and dumped them out and counted them. There were fifteen missing. Fifteen. I was dumbfounded. She knew I needed these pills to help me not smoke. I had anticipated that she may take a couple. I wouldn't have been happy about even two, but fifteen. Are you kidding me?

So rather than confront her head on and get in a big screaming match with her, I wrote a note and left it for her. It said:

You took 15 of them? Really? Did you think I wouldn’t check? Did you think I wouldn’t care? Did you think I’d just be to ditzy to know the fucking difference? Do you really think I’m that stupid? Did I not just sit and cry to you yesterday about how bad this pill use of yours bothered me?

 

PUT THEM BACK…ALL OF THEM.

We had just had a big talk the first night she was here about her drug use. I couldn't believe it. So I left the note and went back to bed.

When I got up, I found this note back to me:

Mama,

I didn't take 15. I only took 8 and I didn't take them all at the same time. I took 4 at 5 pm and then I took 4 around 10 or 11 pm. I counted them myself and I know how many I took and so they shorted you seven of them.


And I didn't take them to get high I took them so I could sleep. I guess you have no reason to accept my apology or forgive me. I was wrong. I should have asked you. But I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I was furious. Are you kidding me? Now you are going to try to convince me that they shorted me seven out of 60 pills at Walmart? Now I confronted her head on. I said, first of all, how can you take that many pills and still be standing here talking to me? I took a half of one and it put me to sleep in a few minutes time. And I also said, they didn't short me any pills at Walmart. They count pills for a living, probably with machines. Oh no, she said, they count them by hand. I said Ok, they just remodeled this Walmart and I am sure there are cameras all over the place up there, so get dressed because we are going up there and I'm going to tell them that they shorted me these pills and I want to see the video of the man counting them out.

She knew I would actually go through with this threat so she backed off then. Upset again, I went back to my room and laid back down and cried myself to sleep. A couple of hours later, I got up again and came back out and was going to take another half a pill so that I didn't go off on her again. I knew when I picked the bottle back up that more were missing. I dumped the bottle out on the kitchen counter and said get over here and count these pills. Why she wanted to know, you've already counted them enough haven't you? No, I don't think I have because there are more missing. I could tell looking at them. I made her count them. Now there were 23 missing. 23 out of 60 pills that were meant to help me get well, gone in less than 12 hours. I went ballistic. I truly lost it. This is my child. My 33 year old child. She was here to help me. Instead she's taking all of my medicine. I gave her 10 years worth of my frustrations I had held back. I screamed "I'm mad" for 20 minutes straight and beat the walls until my hands are black and blue. I haven't lost my cool at all in over 15 years. Today it's gone.

Remember the movie Pretty Woman and the bathtub scene where Richard Gere talks about spending so much money to learn to say he was angry at his father? Well, it cost me 23 pills today to tell my daughter how angry I was with her. I AM ANGRY. I am so angry and so mad and so hurt and so disappointed and so whatever else you could possibly feel in this situation that I can't even breathe again. And it isn't all over the 23 pills. It's the whole thing. How can you be 33 years old and doing some shit like this. I don't get it. I don't get it. I put her in the car and took her home and told her to stay away from me for a while. I don't know what else to do. I've tried all the ways to help her I know to try. This has been going on for 15 years. I moved out here to bumfuck Alabama to get away from them, her and her brother both, because they sucked the life out of me. I thought maybe if she knew I was really sick that she would rise to the occasion and welcome the opportunity to show some responsibility. I thought she would feel awesome that I trusted her enough to leave the bottle out there and not stuff it down my shirt to keep it away from her. I guess I should have.

So I'm sick you guys. My lungs hurt, my head hurts, my hands hurt really bad but most of all my heart hurts. My heart really really really hurts and I just want to stop crying. I wish I could sit in the middle of a bunch of you and just be hugged. I really don't know what to do. How do you stop this drug crazed madness. 

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46 responses

  1. So sorry to hear this, Ladywise. Small comfort, I know, but drug addicts just don't behave rationally, even if they are your own kids. First priority is to get yourself back on track healthwise. I had a chest infection when I gave up smoking, so this just may be a small window of opportunity. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

    June 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm

  2. Like Snowy, I think your first priority at the moment is to get yourself healthy. Perhaps this book might be of interest to you:http://www.amazon.com/When-Our-Grown-Kids-Disappoint/dp/0743232801Best wishes for a speedy recovery <hugs>

    June 18, 2010 at 6:40 pm

  3. OMG…..I AM SO SO SORRY, Ladywise!!!!!!! I wish I could hug you and cry with you and scream with you as well. It never fails to amaze me how some people we love can let us down soooo many times. And you were hurting and sick and you needed her and she failed you AGAIN. I know, addicts are not making realistic decisions but that does not make it hurt any less. I hope you let your father know never to have her sent over again.

    June 18, 2010 at 7:31 pm

  4. I am so very sorry for your pain. I had family members who had addiction problems. I went to the organization that helps to support the families of addicts. It helped me tremendously.
    You need to do what ever you have to do to take care of yourself….even if that means you don't let your daughter back into your home.
    Please get some rest and be good to yourself so you can get better and start breathing normally again.
    Lots and lots of hugs.

    June 18, 2010 at 11:12 pm

  5. Big bear-squeeze from me to!! I can't even begin to imagine how you must feel.I agree with my pre-writers on addicts irrational behaviour.The other thing I wanted to say ( being your daughters age 😉 ): You have done your job as a parent! I know you want to help and you feel surely somehow responsible too – but now it's up to her. She is a grown up. She knows it is wrong what she is doing, and is still doing it. Then that is her choice with which she has to live with and deal with.If she had started out in her early teens, maybe you would have had a chance. But if I have the numbers right she started out at around 18?In Europe that would make her a legal adult. Means you are also fully responsible for your own actions too.That's what she is.And one thing I would do if I were in that situation: that person had to earn my trust again. I would not try to see, the way you so bravely tried, by having drugs reachable for her. If she were my daughter, and interested in a relationship with me, she had to work hard for it. And first after certain conditions are fulfilled – then slowly…….I hope that at least the bruises heal quickly and your lungs will be okay very soon too! Everything else probably needs a whole lot more time.

    June 19, 2010 at 12:31 am

  6. [c’est top]

    June 19, 2010 at 1:02 am

  7. I have no advice, but I just want you to know that we all care about you, and we care about your children too. I am so sorry for you. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

    June 19, 2010 at 3:44 am

  8. In my experience, addiction is a very ugly thing– there's just no two ways about it.I'm 35, if I hadn't mentioned already, and the first of my younger sisters is about your daughter's age. We both positively demanded that our parents allow us to learn things the hard way and take the hard knocks. Some of her problems blew up fairly big, while I was scuttling away trying desperately to hide them. I'm not sure exactly what she thinks and feels about it (she's an intensely private person despite how her issues panned out), but I know I realized rather quickly what the cost was of being bailed out too often. I found that in the real world, I couldn't beg, plead, and wheedle my way to an exception or a bending of the rules. If I was late, or came up short– that was just too bad.Most any 12-Steppers will tell you sometimes hitting rock bottom is what needs to happen, and it should be allowed to happen, so the addict has a really clear chance to understand just how much the cost is and ask themselves how badly they want to change. LOLBeeeze speaks the truth. I urge you to consider letting healthy, capable people– outside of your family would probably be wise– help you. These problems usually cut broadly across families. There is not a great deal of addiction that I am immediately aware of in my extended family, but obsessive and compulsive behaviors seem to be generations deep, roots to branches on the family tree. The only person I found I could ever really do anything directly about is me, of course, but sometimes it helps me to see how some of this stuff gets passed down like another family tradition.I speak as one still struggling on the comeback trail, as I was telling you before. I'm still here if you want someone to talk to.

    June 19, 2010 at 3:58 am

  9. Thank you Snowy. I know you are right that addicts are not rational. Part of me feels like an idiot for thinking I could trust her at all. Giving up on your children is not easy to do. I am working hard at feeling better.I feel like God may have put the chest infection here to help me give up the smokes. I had thought about that. I couldn't do it with the Chantix so he said "Ok! Now you can't breathe if you smoke. You'll quit now." Real simple fix huh. You have to almost smile. All I can say is it's working. I had a setback yesterday, but today is a new day. No cigarettes today. I'm cheering myself on.Maybe the episode with my daughter will bring her to a low enough low that she will make the decision to stop the drugs. She knows I am the only person that had not given up on her. I am the only person that has always loved her unconditionally and she knows she hurt me deeply yesterday. I can only pray that it affects her in a way to make her want to stop.Thank you for your crossed fingers and kind words Snowy. I really do appreciate them.

    June 19, 2010 at 5:31 am

  10. Thank you Emjay. I know you are right that I have to work on me. That is my priority over the next few days. I am doing exactly what the doctor ordered and working on my mental state as well. Thank goodness for all my friends here for the help I need with that. I am so thankful.I will check out the book. I have read so many things over the years on addiction and how to save a child and at some point I just said, you know what, they have to save themselves at this point. Thank you for being here for me. I really appreciate your compassion and your support.

    June 19, 2010 at 5:43 am

  11. You are so kind Freedom. One day I will come and visit you and we will stand on the top of your mountain and scream down below. I would like that. The screaming I did yesterday actually helped I think to give my lungs some strength back. I can take a little deeper breaths today. Maybe I'll just stand out in the yard and scream today. I still feel the desire inside. I can only tell you that I ache for my child. I long for the beautiful daughter I raised and lost so many years ago. Thank you for being my friend.

    June 19, 2010 at 5:51 am

  12. Thanks LBreeze. I will. I have been through all of the group stuff too. All you can do at some point it seems is turn tale and run. I did that a while back and that's why she normally isn't around and I'm very cautious when she is. I had just let my guard down because I was sick. We live and learn.Thank you so much for your hugs. I need them.

    June 19, 2010 at 5:56 am

  13. You are very smart at your age obviously Irony. Yes, she was already an adult of 18 when she started drugs. We have been through several different types of drug addictions as well. It's as though she's been on a fifteen year long suicide mission. She's destroyed everything around her several times over. We have a big family and no one else in the family will have anything to do with her except me. I guess I've always had a sense of security with her figuring she wouldn't blow it with me because I'm all she has left. She is usually fine with me, but yesterday the urge for those drugs was stronger than any attachment to me was. That is what is sad and what is so very painful. I don't care about the pills. I don't care about money. I care that my daughter is lost out there in a world that I cannot reach her in. She is in the depths of hell and I cannot resurrect her. That is painful. We have been through the steps before of earning trust and getting back in and she had been doing good for a while. Again, it's like putting candy in front of a child. They are going to go after it. I should have known better. I should not have had to worry about it in the first place, but I should have known better. But, I could have made every effort to hide them too, and she would have found them if she wanted them bad enough which obviously she did. There is no reasoning with an addict.All I can hope for is that knowing how bad she upset me will make her take the steps to turn herself around. I won't hold my breath, but I will pray for it.Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding Irony.

    June 19, 2010 at 6:15 am

  14. Apolline, the strength and the wisdom and the heart in your words could be no clearer to me if you were an English Scholar my dear friend. Thank you.I know that I cannot fix her problems but for the first time, she was in a position that she could not deny what she had done. She has always been able to blame things on someone or something else. She and I went together to pick up that bottle of pills. There was no one else here but her and I in the house. The pills were gone and she knew that I knew that she had to have stolen from me. I made her confront herself. I have never done that before. I have always been her defender. Yesterday I broke that cycle. Now she must live with that. It was way more powerful than I could ever put into words on here to describe. I have tried and given up and tried again and given up again over and over. I have lived with the heartache, I have lived with the guilt of giving up, I have lived with it all. I begin the cycle again today to walk away and only pray. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

    June 19, 2010 at 6:41 am

  15. Thank you FD. Just knowing you care is a big blessing. Thank you for your thoughts.

    June 19, 2010 at 6:44 am

  16. Thank you jak. I know you are right in that I cannot fix her myself. I am praying that one day she will start that long walk home. Thank you for your thoughts.

    June 19, 2010 at 6:49 am

  17. Hello..Wow..such a thing. Addiction is probably one of the most self-involved..sometimes delusional areas of what is. The 'need' is many times a created want. I know that benzos can be different..people have died getting off large habits. Thank god your daughter is not dealing with a legal problem as well..IE heroin addiction. Alcohol..though more 'accepted' is the most addictive of all drugs and claims the most damage in life and material things. I assume you know all this..but when it is that close it is hard..real hard. The first 'counting' of pills..I thought your child may have a valid point. They will cheat..in packaging or anywhere in the store..it is a possibility..more these days.
    At any rate..arguing over one passing act will not change much..try to get past it..as you can or will.
    My wife Carmela came up with a valid point..why did you leave them out? Were you testing the situation? I do not know of course..but it sounds as if..at this point..she has no choice. I know..'no choice but to steal? from her mother? in such a situation?' Her other options may be a true horror story. Stress is an enormous force..a created reality is as valid as any other 'reality'. As with anything..(including this comment)..overaddressing it embellishes the problem..making for the taking of more pills. Personally..if I am having stress problems..I take 1/4 of a diazepam..(brand..valium) a day..2.5 mg. There was a time in my life that would have been laughable. I am a child of the sixties. I can only tell you what you already know..support her if you can..she will be in this damaging situation until she 'really wants to stop'..I hope this has been of some help..though you probably know most of this..I do not think you can advise her..and she cannot present 'excuses' to you that may work for her elsewhere..or are accepted elsewhere..
    saving the most precious of things..love..is as hard as the worth..way of the world..Peace Tony

    June 19, 2010 at 8:29 am

  18. Hello again..I read Snowy and realized I had forgotten what I had to offer and noticed at first..About the same time..for no apparrent reason..my wife and I both started coughing. My mom 120 or so miles away..same thing. I noticed it..as folks will do..with some neighbors also..It passed..I am glad yours did..I did not go to the doctor..it did not get past a point of recognizing the 'capacity' of whatever we had..I would relax..check my temp. and blood pressure..then do what I ususally do..that I enjoy..but felt like such a heavy load..Get well..I still do two or three cigs a day..it is just so stupid..every person I know who has stopped is happy about it..Peace Tony

    June 19, 2010 at 8:39 am

  19. I appreciate your thoughts Tony. I know it is difficult to understand the dynamics of a mother daughter relationship. It has been difficult for me throughout this ordeal to fully accept her as the addict she is. I have never really had drugs around that she was after so we have never had this situation. I live in a small trailer so I could have put them up. She would have just further defiled me by hunting them down. The hope was that I was correct in my assumption that she wasn't as bad as so many have always thought. That she did still have boundaries that she wouldn't cross. I hoped that she would not take from me, her mother, the one person who still trusted her. The painful truth was that I was wrong on all counts. She is as bad as everyone says she is and she has no boundaries and she will steel from her own mother. She killed my last bit of hope for her. That hurts.I have been through so much of this with so many people for so long and you think you have gotten away and escaped. But it is everywhere. When it comes inside the doors of your home and it is brought there by your own flesh and blood, then it goes deep and turns the world dark. Today I am working at healing myself. She has to do her own healing. I have to let go. That's all I can do.Thank you for your thoughts.

    June 19, 2010 at 9:46 am

  20. Thanks a lot for your words.I imagine what was for your daughter being suddenly obliged to get out of her deny … I hope she will be better day after day … I sympathize with you when you explain that is impossible for you to leave your child … A child who feel drowning, wants to cling to us … We have to be strong … to speak to him to explain why we refuse to drown too … for him … to be alive, with him … If we prevent him from attaching, our child will swim …
    Have a nice day. Many loves for you.

    June 19, 2010 at 11:58 am

  21. I'm so sorry, Ladywise. My heart feels heavy for you. Just know that I'm thinking about you–and how much better you deserve. Sending some good thoughts your way.

    June 19, 2010 at 12:14 pm

  22. Yes Apolline, that is a good description of it. She is drowning and she does want to cling to me and have me drown with her. And I almost did many times and I had to let go. And I keep going back thinking she might be better. But she isn't. I can't drown with her. I have to wonder if she will ever swim.

    June 19, 2010 at 1:19 pm

  23. Thank you WW. I need some good thoughts today. I really do. This is so sad.

    June 19, 2010 at 1:20 pm

  24. No words of wisdom or any of that stuff … just – I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope you do get better. Take care of yourself.

    June 19, 2010 at 1:44 pm

  25. Hello..Healing is always good..I wish I could stop the pain..perhaps when you are further from the disappointment..all that 'clinical stuff' does not help now..
    The sun will rise tomorrow..it will be another day..it has risen for me when I thought all was gone and lost..everything..
    even desperation implies hope..love makes it worthwhile..Peace Tony

    June 19, 2010 at 1:57 pm

  26. <BIG HUG>(…and a glass of wine, too.)

    June 19, 2010 at 2:39 pm

  27. Thanks GOM. I have devoted today to working on feeling better physically. I got up a little while ago and took a shower and got dressed and put on my makeup and went to the store and got some stuff to cook. I am getting on with my life. That's all you can do sometimes. I'm cooking a crock pot of Pork and Sauerkraut. Yum! That should fix whatever ails me. Right?

    June 19, 2010 at 3:13 pm

  28. Thanks Kimmers. I'm starting a hug bank. lol

    June 19, 2010 at 3:14 pm

  29. She will. Take care of you. Have a nice day.

    June 19, 2010 at 11:08 pm

  30. Yes. The living and learning part can be very, very hard sometimes.

    June 20, 2010 at 8:46 am

  31. big hugs…I´m so sad to read your post: Keep care.

    June 20, 2010 at 10:09 am

  32. Add this to your hug bank. HUG!! I was so sad to read that you don't speak about your daughters because of their drug addiction. I would do the same thing in your situation – but how hard it must be to face that every day. I'm so sorry.
    I've had some awful health problems, and it just makes the hard things in life, nearly impossible to handle. I'm angry on your behalf that someone is taking advantage of you while you're in this dilemma. Please, take care of yourself, do whatever is necessary. You're in my prayers and thoughts.

    June 20, 2010 at 2:15 pm

  33. Thank Kerstin. I'm working hard at getting over it all today. I went to visit my son and granddaughter and had a very lovely day. My heart will heal.

    June 20, 2010 at 3:36 pm

  34. OMG what a terrible thing to happen to you. I'm so sorry about your daughter and all the pain she has caused you. I hope you are better now and that she will stay away. There isn't anything you can do about her issues she has to fix herself.

    June 21, 2010 at 12:11 am

  35. Ladywise: Druggies can't be around drugs…period. Don't trust that she will leave the pills alone if she knows where they are. She can't help herself, and she'll lie to you until she's blue in the face. I know about addiction firsthand, and I'm sure many more on VOX who read your story without responding are also aware of how incidious the addiction can be. Do NOT place any blame or guilt upon YOURSELF. It has nothing to do with you. She just happened to find a freebie stash. Woo Hoo. This is something she needs to work out on her own. I was off drugs by 33, but people come to decisions at different points in their lives. She's obviously not ready yet. Crocodile tears don't do it. She's still SOOO young, so give her that chance to find the time when she is looking for a change. But never trust that you can have your meds in places where she can find them…even if you feel that you can trust her. It's too tempting. You're her mother. She'll be back. One day she may even come back and say that she's been clean for quite some time. Celebration time!!! But once an addict, always an addict….so once again, don't leave any meds that she can search for and find. And give yourself a hug. All families have their skeletons in the closet. Just let her know that you are a safe haven for her. She may need that one day. (((Big hugs from me)))

    June 21, 2010 at 5:17 am

  36. Thank you Maureen. I told her when I took her home that she had to stay away. She is having fits because I won't answer her calls or anything. She wanted to go right back to the way things were the next day and I am not allowing it. I am the only person in her life who has not pushed her away until now. She has to know the deep hurt and pain she causes with her drug use. I don't know any other way to make her see it.

    June 21, 2010 at 7:03 am

  37. I am honored to even have a response from you S2B. You never comment. I have been her safe haven for years. I was her only safe haven as everyone else in the family pushed her away a long time ago. I knew better than to leave the pills out but I was so sick I really didn't think about it and we had just had a long talk the night before about her drug abuse. Like I said in my story and comments, I figured she might take a couple and I still would have been upset but for her to go through half a bottle in less than 12 hours shocked even me. It was not even about taking the pills. It was about killing the trust of the only person she had left. It was about upsetting me to the point that I got violent (with myself) something she knows I stopped so many years ago and had to work hard to do it. It was about so many things. She turned me inside out. I live out here in the country by myself because I had to escape all of this stuff and she came into my world and betrayed me and she knows that she devastated me. Believe me when I say that I have had many many dealings with all sorts of addicts. Right now I am just taking a reprieve. When I get to where I can talk again without crying and get my own strength back, I will figure out exactly how to deal with it, but until then, my silence with her is the strongest message I can send.

    June 21, 2010 at 7:17 am

  38. Your approach is the best one you have…it is painful for you and for her but she has left you no other choice. Be strong my friend and know that your decision is the right one for this time.
    Can you take a weekend trip somewhere near that would be a treat for you? Pamper your self as your soul needs some TLC.

    June 21, 2010 at 7:34 am

  39. I wish. I really do. I just lost one of my part time jobs so my finances went in the toilet. I have plenty of work this week with my other part time job and I am carrying my camera with me every day this week. I can get lost doing posts and being here. I have been surrounded by so much love and affection from Vox these past few days that it has really helped more than anyone here could ever know. My home is my haven (I guess that's one of the reasons this episode hit me so hard because she invaded my haven with her addiction). I am heading out to work now and I just know that I have to stay busy. I'll be back this evening. Maureen, thank you so much for all your time these past few days. I very much appreciate your friendship and I hope that we will become great friends and have many "happy" things to talk about in the future.

    June 21, 2010 at 8:24 am

  40. If you can't get out of town going to work is the next best thing…staying busy will help you keep your daughter off your mind.
    I'm glad your VOX family can provide the support you need right now. It is hard to go through these trying times by yourself.
    Take care and try to do something to pamper yourself…maybe a pedicure or a hot fudge sunday?

    June 21, 2010 at 8:44 am

  41. Oh my word! You have been through it!! So sorry to hear you are sick. Very sorry about your daughter. I am praying for you that God will show Himself in a very special, personal way to you. May you have such incredible wisdom and discernment on what to do about Melissa. Thinking of you…

    June 24, 2010 at 9:06 pm

  42. Thank you so much Lori. I have given it to God. I have done what I feel I have been led to do and that was to show tough love. He is helping me to be strong and stand my ground right now. I have had so much love and support from my friends here on Vox and I will get through this. I am feeling much better this week and am back at work. I am just praying that she finds her way back. Thank you so much for your kind thoughts. You know, I wish she could meet someone like you who has been through so much and is able to find strength in God the way you do. She somehow thinks she has a reason to hurt herself and yet there are people out there like you who have been through so much and didn't do anything to bring it on themselves and yet you can still have so much faith and be so strong.

    June 24, 2010 at 9:56 pm

  43. Ladywise: Don't feel HONORED that I wrote a response to you. My goodness, I'm just another VOXer who happens to read your posts and sometimes replies/sometimes doesn't. I just know a lot about drug addiction, and I felt bad for you and what you are going through, ESPECIALLY when it's family. But those are the ones who *always* get hurt the most….family. It's because we trust or we hope or we pray. None of this is your fault, and you have every right to keep to yourself and be silent. When you gain your strength back (and you will), THEN you can decide what you are and are not willing to do. You don't HAVE to do a darn thing. Her drug problem is not yours. But it still hurts your heart and punches you in the stomach. But don't let her drag you down. She knows she can do that. Let her slip through the cracks if you have to. SHE is the one who has to make a choice, not you. You just take care of yourself for now. (((Big hugs)))

    June 26, 2010 at 6:54 am

  44. Those were very kind words you just said to me and I appreciate it!! I recently read a book called "Life's Healing Choices" with the subtitle… Freedom From Your Hurts, Hang-ups and Habits. It was SO good. I would love to send you a copy to give to your daughter if you thought she might read it. It would be great for you even if she wasn't interested. Let me know. It would be an honor to send it your way.

    June 26, 2010 at 7:14 pm

  45. Lori, my most sincere apologies for not getting back to you sooner. I really have not spent much time in here in the last couple of weeks for a couple of different reasons. Melissa's escapade definitely got to me and I just really had to go through some major changes to reshift my thinking. I talk to Kimber a lot and she has been a wonderful inspiration in a lot of ways. She has gotten me to really get serious about writing, which is something I've always loved to do but never put any serious effort into it. What little I've done here on Vox is the closest I've ever come to writing anything complete. I've had a lot of things in my life bother me a great deal, one of which was my mothers death thirteen years ago from cancer. I have read about your struggles with it and you have no idea how much I admire your strength and faith.So, one of the things I did was to start a memoir about her. I've written over 22,000 words towards it in the past couple of weeks and it has been like a trip to the therapist, not to mention the wonderment of walking through a door I never had the courage to walk through before with writing. Needless to say it took me almost completely away from Vox for a time, which is fine because I have great friends here that understand. I honestly feel so revived and so full of purpose again. There is really no end to what I can do as a writer. It opens up an entire new world for me and Kimber is highly educated and is both teaching and prodding me along the way. I wrote my first post here again tonight just to pull myself back in but I can't tell you how much better I feel.I would love to read the book but I don't want to impose on you either.

    July 6, 2010 at 10:05 pm

  46. How exciting that you are writing. I understand the feeling of it being therapeutic! I really want to send you the book. I guess in my small way, it feels like I'm helping. So… when you have a few minutes, inbox me your address and I'll get right on it.

    July 13, 2010 at 9:45 pm

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