People Are Who They Are!

Comments on the Last Post

I wanted to tell you that if you commented on the last post (My Granddaughter the photographer) I let Hailey read the post and comments and she actually left the replies herself. It really did a lot to make her feel good. The last few were done on “Grammy Deb” so sorry for the confusion. That remains a problem for us.

Getting them in school finally, has done a lot just in a couple of days to help us get into a routine. They seem to be acting more like little girls instead of trying to be adults. There is a lot of laughter and giggling that goes on around here so it really is fun. Felicia absolutely adores Ms. Donna and loves interacting with the animals up there. At first she was afraid of the goats but as you could see in the photos, she actually goes into the pen now and knows all of their names and pets and feeds them. I was telling the counselor at the school about that and she said that animals can be some of the best therapy there is for children.

Hailey still seems to be struggling with her place in life. She’s torn between being an adult and being a child. She has been Felicia’s “protector” all of her life up to this point so she has been hesitant to turn that job over to me. She really doesn’t know how to be a child and that’s probably my biggest challenge is teaching that to her. She is highly intelligent so that makes it even more difficult. She has opened up to me and we talk a lot about everything so that is a good sign, at least I think so. I keep looking for stuff to get her interested in (like the photography), so hopefully I will hit on the right thing eventually. She did enjoy taking the pictures that night and she has definitely enjoyed seeing the comments on the post.

All of this really makes me wish I had gone to college when I was young and studied psychology. I wouldn’t feel so lost and inefficient right now. I have talked at great length to the counselors at their schools and made them aware of the situation so that I have their cooperation and help.

I am also having to do a great deal of  “counseling” with my daughter. She has been straight now for almost three months and is really starting to see and feel reality. She is also now having to deal with having signed her children over to me and that is causing a great deal of pain and guilt for her. I talked to her for two hours yesterday about learning to throw the past away and deal with today and the future instead. I asked her to take a box and right “the past” on it, write down some of the things that really bothered her about the past, and put them in the box. I told her when she was done to take the box and go in the back yard, dig a hole and bury it. I told her that she gave me the responsibilities of the children’s every day life and that her job now was to learn how to forgive herself and learn how to be happy again. I asked her not to talk to them at all unless she was in a good mood and happy. I told her that was her only job right now, to work on herself for the kids sake, that they did not need to see or talk to her when she was depressed and sad or upset. I will tell their father the same thing.

Now I just have to work on me. I am mentally exhausted already and trying not to let it show. If I didn’t have all my great friends here to talk to about everything, I don’t think I would make it through this, so thank you all for listening and for all of your support.

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14 responses

  1. It sounds to me that you are doing and saying all the right things.
    Your daughter doesn’t need to feel guilt (of course she can’t help it). It does no good for her going forward to hang onto guilt.
    So even though you didn’t take psychology courses, you seem to have an instinctive feel for it!

    Do some deep breathing and keep telling yourself you are doing fine…because you are.doing.better.than.fine.!!!

    You don’t want to get yourself run down with stress. One step at a time.

    Hugs!!!

    October 21, 2010 at 9:59 am

    • Oh thank you so much Lauri. I really appreciate the support and encouragement. It really means more than you could know. Thanks for the hugs too. I need them.

      I did institute a “Hugging Rule” the other day. Hailey is very lacking in affection so I told them both that we would hug every day no matter what. It’s been really great so far!

      **taking deep cleansing breaths**

      October 21, 2010 at 10:41 am

  2. You’ll be great. Hailey will be great. Kids are resilient.

    October 21, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    • I do know that kids are resilient but still hard not to worry! I’m really trying not to.

      October 21, 2010 at 1:16 pm

  3. Kids are very adaptable, so don’t be too worried about how things are going. In a bit of time, they will settle into a routine. As much as they may sometimes complain about routines, that structure is something they really need. As for the daughter, she should be aware that one of the best things she actually did for her children was to make sure that they were taken care of first.

    People make mistakes in life, sometimes big ones. Letting her know that she did the right thing by the girls and that she needs to get herself in order was absolutely the right thing to tell her. She’s got a long road to walk, it will be an easier trip knowing she did the right thing for a change.

    October 21, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    • Thanks Kzinti. I really appreciate your comments.

      October 21, 2010 at 1:18 pm

  4. Freedom Smith

    You are doing a fabulous job, Ladywise. My goodness, it sounds to me that you already know a lot of things that they teach in psychology! You are giving your daughter wonderful advice and you are giving your granddaughters stability and love.

    I am sure you are mentally exhausted. This is a huge change and you have taken on an entirely new lifestyle! I hope you will not be too hard on yourself! There will be mistakes made and probably days when your patience runs low (at least, that happens to me). But you are doing a marvelous job. Just reading the post about all you had suffered through was amazing! You have persevered through some tough weeks!

    I hope that every once and awhile you will get a small break yourself and be able to recharge your batteries. I think you have a great idea, in getting your oldest granddaughter involved in something she likes. Whether it turns out to be photography or something else. I am sure it is difficult for her to give over her role as the protector. I have read that about adopting siblings. The older one has a hard time handing over the control. It will most certainly take time and there will be bumps in the road. I am glad you have counselors at the schools that you feel like you can talk to and that they know the situation! That will surely be a huge help to all of you.

    I am thinking about you and all of the adjustments you are making. Hang in there, Ladywise. This will be worth it, in the end!

    October 21, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    • Thank you Freedom. I always look forward to your comments when ever I post. I need and very much appreciate your encouragement and support!

      I think it will be awhile before I feel comfortable leaving them with anyone to give myself a break. I am however getting one with them in school. I had all day today but yesterday, Felicia came home sick early in the morning and tomorrow they both have appointments (at different times) at the health department so tomorrow is gone and then it’s the weekend again! aaarrrgggg. lol

      October 21, 2010 at 1:24 pm

  5. Like my pre-writers said, I don’t think you need psychology lessons. Sounds too me that you either have a feel for it or already learned so much through life that you know what is good and necessary.

    On the other hand – if you feel for more information… there are so many good books out there. When I was struggling years ago I bought a couple and they helped tremendously.

    I wish you lots and lots of energy to continue coping with your new situation as good as you have been so far!

    October 21, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    • Thank you so much Irony. I hadn’t thought about getting some books. Probably a good idea, not that I’ve got much time to read right now, lol. But I know I will soon. I’m getting organized and since the kids are in school, I’ll have a little more time!

      October 21, 2010 at 3:16 pm

  6. Sounds to me like you are on the right path. Do you have a faith home? That can also be a source of support. You can count on all of us to be here for you, anytime!

    Irony is right. There are some good books out there. You might ask one of the girls’ counselors to help you, ’cause I’m sure there are some that wouldn’t be a lot of help.

    October 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    • That is really a good idea CbD. I absolutely loved the counselor at Felicia’s school. I think I will ask her. Thanks for your help and support.

      October 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm

  7. You’re doing an amazing job, they are all lucky to have you. Like someone up-thread said, your daughter did the best thing she could have done by signing the girls over to someone who could take care of them and that must have been hard for her. She has certainly struggled but she clearly hasn’t done everything wrong. You must be really tired and stressed so make sure you take some time to take care of yourself and relax as well, even if it’s just reading a book with a cup of tea in the bath for half an hour a day. Letting yourself get so run down you get ill won’t help anyone so you need to look after you too!

    October 22, 2010 at 3:30 am

  8. nothing to add that hasn’t been said in one way or another.

    October 22, 2010 at 2:20 pm

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