People Are Who They Are!

Admitting Shortcomings

I have no problem admitting that I have many shortcomings. There are just things I don’t like to do and I won’t do them if I can get out of it. We all have them but it is difficult to admit sometimes especially if you are by nature a perfectionist.  My shortcoming today is resentment.

I voluntarily took on my grand daughters. I made a major decision to take on the responsibility of raising them the rest of the way. I made that choice and I did take a lot of things into consideration before I decided to do it. I knew that it would change my life as I knew it and I didn’t mind that. I don’t mind that it is more house work, or less privacy, or more of my time spent trying to teach them life lessons that they have not been taught along the way. I especially don’t mind that they lay in my lap to watch a show at night or hug me tight before they go to bed. I don’t mind seeing that they look adorable when they head out to school in the mornings and I don’t mind hearing all of their accounts of the day when they come home in the afternoon.

I do resent that I am now going to have to go and get a full time job in order to provide for them. Not that I didn’t need one anyway, but it means that everything I am just now getting into a routine is going to be changed again and ten times as difficult. I had a job lined up before I got them, where I would have been able to travel and work on my photography. I was excited about that. I knew going into this that the job would not work. My resentment lies in the fact that I am raising the kids so that the parents don’t have the responsibility of the day to day life of them, can’t they at least get a job and pay me child support? If they would, I could keep on working part time and be here when the kids come home in the afternoon and make sure they get their homework done and it’s correct, and make them dinner, and keep things clean and organized. I really resent the fact that I have to do this and I have to be honest and admit it.

As if the resentment isn’t bad enough, I feel guilty for being resentful. Doesn’t that bite! I just really don’t understand how the parents could let things get so bad and live with themselves. I saw the mom (my daughter) and the dad over the Christmas holidays and neither of them had even an excuse for not sending me a penny since I’ve had them. It’s as though it’s my place to do what I’m doing and they don’t have any accountability for it. I could have ruined everyone’s Christmas and pitched a fit with them, but I have more pride in myself than to do something like that. Instead, I came home and felt sad for the kids that they have been slighted so bad, and felt bad for myself for having to do all the extra work to make it all alright.

So, I admit, I have a certain amount of resentment attached to having these kids in my care. The thing is, there is a lot of joy that comes out of it too. I have a bond with these two beautiful girls that will never be broken. I am the one that gets the hugs at night before they go to bed. I am the one that gets to see them blossom into beautiful young ladies. I’ll get over the resentment and I think I’ll get over even quicker now that I can freely admit it.



35 responses

  1. God never gives us more than we can handle. Your resentment is natural, since we are still human. You will be more than blessed by your unselfish actions, the girl’s parents are the ones who have lost out. We all give up our old life when we have children, you have done this twice and I know the Lord is smiling when he sees your heart and your hugs to these little ones.

    Mark 9:42
    “On the other hand, if you give one of these simple, childlike believers a hard time, bullying or taking advantage of their simple trust, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t. You’d be better off dropped in the middle of the lake with a millstone around your neck.

    January 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm

    • Thank you TB and you are so right, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.

      January 5, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    • And it was Mother Teresa who said that she sometimes wished that God didn’t think she could handle so much. LOL

      January 7, 2011 at 8:03 pm

  2. you have every right to feel the way you do, do not feel guilty for being honest with yourself. You are absolutely right, the parents should have some financial responsibility. Do the children have a child advocate? or someone else who can advise on how to make the parents legally responsible for some financial responsibility. They should both have some child support responsibility, even if it is $50, just something to help out.
    So sad that they will be missing out on all the blessings YOU get to experience, the cuddles, the laughs, just watching them become adults, watching them learn who they are and where they fit in this world is so amazing.

    January 5, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    • Yes, they have an advocate and yes I have been to the state and am getting what is considered Welfare, but it comes through Child Support Recovery in that, the parents will not only be held accountable for paying me in the future but they will also be held responsible to pay back what I’ve already gotten. I am only getting $190 a month there though, so I’m here to tell you that that amount doesn’t go very far. I also get food stamps so we do eat good and I can pay a couple of bills but that’s it. My little part time job doesn’t fill in enough to make ends meet now. The thing is, I want them to WANT to do it. I want to know that they have enough care about them to say, hey, mom is doing the hard stuff, let me get out here and go to work and at least help her financially. They are going to be forced to pay this money and then I’m going to have to feel bad for them when they get locked up for child support. Neither of them is working, so how do you squeeze blood from a turnip?

      It’s just a constant battle in my mind and I resent the hell out of having to deal with it at all. Taking care of the kids is about all I can handle. You know?

      January 5, 2011 at 8:35 pm

  3. It’s okay to feel resentful. Just don’t let the kids feel it. Kudos to you for being so open and honest about your true feelings, even the ones you’re not proud of.

    January 5, 2011 at 5:22 pm

    • Thanks Kim and I guess that’s just one more of the things that adds to the resentment. I have to hide my feelings. Thank goodness for blog sites and friends! lol

      January 5, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    • Yeah, what Kim said.

      I think sometimes parenting just produces resentment, even when it’s not a matter of taking over for somebody irresponsible. Since parenting means changing, and giving things up, and living at least in part for someone else—it’s natural to feel put upon at times. But if you build a great relationship with the kids, I bet it’ll be more than worth it long-term.

      January 5, 2011 at 9:23 pm

      • I think you’re right Scott. See, it’s been so long since I’ve been a parent myself, I forgot that you do have a tendency to be resentful. I did go through this with my own kids at times and I remember feeling bad about it then too come to think of it. Thanks for reminding me of that. I’m just glad to talk to everyone about it and feel normal for having the feelings. I have really felt bad about feeling the resentment.

        January 5, 2011 at 10:09 pm

  4. Ladywise, you did an amazing thing by taking them on. I’m sure there are going to be lots of ups and downs along the way. There is no shame in admitting that you are feeling a bit resentful.

    January 5, 2011 at 6:24 pm

    • Thanks Monsoon. I guess that’s all I was really looking for here was an “It’s ok to feel resentment.” I mean I know it’s ok or expected or just part of being human, but it’s made me feel 100 times better already just to get it out and say “hey, I resent this,” and to have someone say, “You know what? It’s alright to feel that way. It just means you are normal!” I’m not some Saint that has taken this on and not had any problems or any ill feelings. I have tons of them. Sometimes, it’s easy to get in a tailspin and think “OMG! I can’t do this.” But then I settle back down and make it through the day and a new one starts! lol It’s just hard and I don’t want to put on an air that it’s not and I do most definitely have some resentments towards the parents about it.

      January 5, 2011 at 8:41 pm

  5. Get in and register with the state for child support. It doesn’t mean you will get any, but it does mean that they will owe you, and they will keep being reminded of the responsibility they have for helping take care of their own children.

    Hugs to you. I think it’s wonderful that you can acknowledge such a set of conflicting thoughts and feelings.

    January 5, 2011 at 7:11 pm

    • …. apologies, didn’t mean to sound so forceful in that comment. 😛

      January 5, 2011 at 7:38 pm

      • Oh my Lord LOM! It is so alright! I mean, that’s the same feeling I get sometimes is to want to just scream out about it. Yes, like I said to Lav above, I have been and gotten what is out there to get, but you don’t get much anymore. $190 a month is nothing when you have two girls in the house. Living here alone, I kept a good reign on things, but the power bill is more, the water bill is more, I’m doing more running around to get them where they need to be, and they need things. They are girls. I’ve managed to acquire everything for now that they arrived here needing, but they need stuff all the time. That little bit of money doesn’t help much. It’s just very frustrating and I know the only way to really fix it is to get a full time job myself and be in a position to handle it all. The bad thing about that is that it takes me away in the afternoons when they come in and that is a critical time to spend with them. I will also be very tired and not have the patience I should have. It’s just all very frustrating.

        January 5, 2011 at 8:49 pm

  6. I absolutely agree that those girls’ parents owe you big time. If there is anyway to get compensation….even if it is forced, it would be good to get it.

    It’s good to admit your feelings and work through them, but if there is anything you can actively do to make things better go ahead and do that, too. It will make it easier on all three of you if you get some financial compensation from the parents.
    Of course, if they were reliable enough to have jobs they probably would have taken better care of their daughters.

    January 5, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    • Exactly! You are so right Lauri. That’s where the frustration comes in. I’m going through Child Support Recovery now and they just haven’t caught up to either of them yet. That’s a frustration to me too because this is still my daughter and the last thing I want to do is cause her to go to jail. That’s what is going to happen though because she won’t go out and get a job. She hasn’t in years and she won’t now. She’s not really even capable of working a job. So now I’ll get to feel guilty or feel bad because of that. This is the part that I resent so bad. If they would just at least get a job and help me financially, I could deal with the rest of it.

      January 5, 2011 at 8:54 pm

  7. Is there a food bank or church food pantry near you – this could help and you may even be able to get a coupon to buy clothing at some of the local thrift stores. I’ve seen where you live and it looks like there’s not much near you, but I’m sure help is on the way:)

    January 5, 2011 at 9:19 pm

  8. Gosh, you are between a rock and a hard place. Glad you feel free and trustiing enough to share your feelings with us. I can feel a little bit of your pain. My husband and I took in his sister who is mentally challenged. While I don’t struggle financially, I do resent not having my own home anymore. I can’t even put up my own Christmas tree. She feels obligated to “help” me do things I would rather do by myself. At least now she lets me do almost all of the cooking and she cleans up, so that part of our relationship is better. But it still isn’t easy, and I don’t get any warm fuzzies at the end of the day. I’m not smart enough to know if you should share your pain with the girls or not. As harsh as it sounds, I think you need to write off the girl’s parents. It doesn’t sound like you are going to get any help from them. And it isn’t fair that you have to go out and get a full time job to support the girls, but it won’t be forever. I know I used to resent the fact that I couldn’t have new clothes, etc., but now I know that a warm house, good food, and a loving family are more important. My mom went to work full time when I was 10, and I had to take on a lot of responsibility. I made a lot of mistakes, but they are part of who I am today. You have been dealt a big bag of lemons, but I will pray that you will be able to make the best lemonaide ever! Good luck to you. Sorry if I sound a bit preachy. I really admire what you are doing.

    January 5, 2011 at 11:14 pm

  9. Wow, I’ve never seen you say anything about your husband’s sister living with you. That’s really difficult. I think that’s probably harder than what I’m going through because at least I can somewhat control children. It’s much more difficult with an adult. My hat is off to you.

    I have written off the possibility of getting help from the parents. I am enough of a realist to see that. Even if they both got jobs today, they are so far behind in life that they still would never make enough to take care of themselves and take care of these girls. That is exactly why I made the decision to take them in the first place because I knew what a life they had already been living and what they would continue to grow up in if I didn’t. I don’t have money, but because of my brother, I do have stability here. I have a safe clean house that belongs to me and my brother. It is paid for and no one is going to throw me out and make me move. These kids have never gone to the same school for more than a year or so in their short little lives. That alone needed to stop.

    I just hate that I have to do this. It’s not something you dream of or look forward to in your old age. It seems I’ve spent my entire life taking care of other people. I helped my mother when I was young to take care of my younger brother and sister and a grandmother with Alzheimers. I took care of my husband’s grandmother when she was 97 years old. I took care of my mother when she was sick and dying with cancer. I took care of my husband and my own two kids. I just never planned to have this to do.

    I could have said no. I could have never suggested it to the parents in the first place. I did though and I’m doing it. I just have resentments about certain aspects of it. To be honest, it just down right pisses me off that they don’t at least have it together enough to help me financially. That’s all it is really. I love having the girls here. It brightens my day. I see a lot of changes in them already. They were so frail and frightened of so many things when they first got here and I see them relaxing and being comfortable now and that feels good. I hate having to tell them no all the time. If it costs money, I have to say no. I’m the grandmother, I should be visiting them and taking them places and doing for them. It is frustrating. I just needed to vent about it. 🙂

    January 6, 2011 at 1:17 am

  10. Some people are born ‘caregivers’ or ‘rescuers’ – that’s you and although it’s tough, there is no greater service to humanity. There is a better place, but you have to wait. There’s so much more on the other side, resentment is a tool of the enemy – get some PAM and spray it on daily . . . 🙂

    January 6, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    • Thanks TB. That was a nice comment. Yes, I guess I do have to wait.

      January 7, 2011 at 1:31 am

  11. Your resentment is the healthy type, and you have a right to it too. Thank God that you are there for those little girls, but it is horrible that their parents get to flake off. In Australia grandparents who take over guardianship of children can get a carer’s pension. It is not huge but it does help. Does USA not have that – no I guess it wouldn’t.
    I understand how you feel though – at this stage of life it is hard to consider the time and energy that are going to be required for the next decade or so.
    Life has its rewards and many are already yours, but I do hope that a really workable solution comes your way.

    January 7, 2011 at 1:29 am

  12. Thanks FD. Yes, we do have Welfare although it has changed drastically over the years. I get $190 a month from the state for them and it is recoverable through the Child Support Recovery System. The parents will be held accountable for all that I get and the judge did put an order for child support in. The parents have neither one paid anything at this point (and it’s been three months) so they are already responsible for what I have gotten plus they are supposed to be paying. They neither one have jobs though so how are they going to pay? The state will put them in jail and then I will feel guilty about that. That’s my complaint.

    The $190 helps, but that’s about enough to pay my electric bill and something else small as long as I keep the electricity to a minimum. I still have to go out and get a full time job. Me living close to poverty alone was one thing, but I don’t want these kids to not have things they need and want. It’s just all very frustrating.

    January 7, 2011 at 1:38 am

  13. I have this sick mind, as this made me kind of laugh. Why you ask? Because I still have my wife’s 42 year old son living in my house, taking care of him. Yeah. Seriously though, I understand 100% of what you are going through. When I married my wife and took in her four kids as well, I felt that way about their fathers, as to why they wouldn’t pay child support or even call or visit for that matter.

    In the end, it is all about the kids. Sure, it hurts having to tell them no about monetary things when funds are tight, but you made the best decision for them. You gave them a home, something they had never had before. You gave them their childhood back. They no longer need to worry about feeding themselves, or whether mom or dad will be completely out of it again that day.

    You gave them the greatest of gifts, Unconditional Love. It may be a little bit yet, but the resentment stuff will fade. In fact, you will more than likely be the one who is constantly trying to get the parents to have a part in their kids lives, as I did with my wife’s exes. Sure it’s going to be tough, but what would you NOT do for these kids? They deserve the chance to get a good start in life and so far, you are the only one who is seeing to that. You are a much bigger person for it.

    I was glad I could be of help when you needed it and I never doubted for a minute that you were doing the absolute right thing. I feel as strongly about that today as back then. Because in the end, the things you get to be there for with the kids are things their parents will miss out on. And it’s you who gets to share in all of that. It’s a great responsibility, yes. But the rewards are priceless. You have every right to feel that resentment, for sure, but you know you did the right thing regardless.

    January 7, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    • Excellent words, Kzinti!

      January 7, 2011 at 10:06 pm

    • ladywise

      oh man, thank you so much K. You put it all into perspective so well. You also reminded me that my stepfather married my mother with five of us and he provided for us and loved us unconditionally the rest of his life. I guess I’ve kind of been in my own little bubble here and with the stress of the newness of all of this, well, it’s easy to dwell on the resentment and hardship part of it.

      I was telling my brother last night that if it weren’t for the financial part being so hard, the rest of it would be easy. These kids are happy and bubbly and they are beautiful smart girls. I guess it is fear more than anything that worries me, fear that I won’t do something right, or that I’ll be too hard, or too easy on them. There are a lot of fears involved and I guess those fears drive that resentment.

      I can’t tell you how much I appreciate, not only your financial help, but your wisdom and support as well. I need the little pick me ups every now and then that I get from the people here. Lauri is right, yours are excellent words K. Thank you.

      January 8, 2011 at 9:42 am

  14. I applaud what you are doing lady and can’t add anything to Kzinti’s words of wisdom.

    January 8, 2011 at 7:22 pm

    • Thanks Emjay and yes I agree, I think K’s words were definitely words of wisdom.

      January 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

  15. Emmy

    The economy alone is enough to make people resentful – I hope things go as easy as possible for you, Ladywise.

    January 8, 2011 at 8:23 pm

    • Thank you Emmy. I appreciate that.

      January 9, 2011 at 1:32 am

  16. I can so totally relate the feeling resentful about a situation that’s unfair and then feeling guilty for feeling resentful, which only tends to add to the whole cycle of negativity.

    The girls’ parents are total slackers. They should be busting their butts to help support their daughters.

    You, on the other hand, will undoubtedly be blessed a million fold for giving the girls a real home and consistent love.

    January 9, 2011 at 1:22 am

    • Thanks LB, that was a sweet thing to say. I appreciate that.

      January 9, 2011 at 1:33 am

      • What you are doing will make a huge difference in the girls’lives.

        January 9, 2011 at 6:03 pm

  17. I’d be resentful too. But you are a good person. You decided to make those changes and sacrifices. Me – I’d be probably a lot more selfish. Especially when given a chance to do a job I know would be great fun.

    January 9, 2011 at 9:29 am

  18. You are sewing the most amazing seeds, and you have no idea how big the harvest just might be! Find faith in all you do, and God will make sure that everything you need, you have!
    Something else to think about- those kids will fill your home with so much love, if not already.
    I can not believe that so many people just forget about responsibilty.
    Carry on venting, it is a good channel for you.

    January 11, 2011 at 12:56 pm

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