I have no problem admitting that I have many shortcomings. There are just things I don’t like to do and I won’t do them if I can get out of it. We all have them but it is difficult to admit sometimes especially if you are by nature a perfectionist. My shortcoming today is resentment.
I voluntarily took on my grand daughters. I made a major decision to take on the responsibility of raising them the rest of the way. I made that choice and I did take a lot of things into consideration before I decided to do it. I knew that it would change my life as I knew it and I didn’t mind that. I don’t mind that it is more house work, or less privacy, or more of my time spent trying to teach them life lessons that they have not been taught along the way. I especially don’t mind that they lay in my lap to watch a show at night or hug me tight before they go to bed. I don’t mind seeing that they look adorable when they head out to school in the mornings and I don’t mind hearing all of their accounts of the day when they come home in the afternoon.
I do resent that I am now going to have to go and get a full time job in order to provide for them. Not that I didn’t need one anyway, but it means that everything I am just now getting into a routine is going to be changed again and ten times as difficult. I had a job lined up before I got them, where I would have been able to travel and work on my photography. I was excited about that. I knew going into this that the job would not work. My resentment lies in the fact that I am raising the kids so that the parents don’t have the responsibility of the day to day life of them, can’t they at least get a job and pay me child support? If they would, I could keep on working part time and be here when the kids come home in the afternoon and make sure they get their homework done and it’s correct, and make them dinner, and keep things clean and organized. I really resent the fact that I have to do this and I have to be honest and admit it.
As if the resentment isn’t bad enough, I feel guilty for being resentful. Doesn’t that bite! I just really don’t understand how the parents could let things get so bad and live with themselves. I saw the mom (my daughter) and the dad over the Christmas holidays and neither of them had even an excuse for not sending me a penny since I’ve had them. It’s as though it’s my place to do what I’m doing and they don’t have any accountability for it. I could have ruined everyone’s Christmas and pitched a fit with them, but I have more pride in myself than to do something like that. Instead, I came home and felt sad for the kids that they have been slighted so bad, and felt bad for myself for having to do all the extra work to make it all alright.
So, I admit, I have a certain amount of resentment attached to having these kids in my care. The thing is, there is a lot of joy that comes out of it too. I have a bond with these two beautiful girls that will never be broken. I am the one that gets the hugs at night before they go to bed. I am the one that gets to see them blossom into beautiful young ladies. I’ll get over the resentment and I think I’ll get over even quicker now that I can freely admit it.