I could use that word as is or change a letter in it and it would probably better describe what I’d like to scream about now. It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’m wide awake and feel really weird. I know Lauri said she felt “off” yesterday and I’ve been this way all evening. Is the moon full or something? My mind feels like I’m on some sort of weird drug or something but I’m straight as a board. I’ve had probably five major melt downs this evening over stupid stuff.
I hate to even tell anyone I did this, but at one point earlier, I had cut a watermelon in half and just stuck a spoon in it and took a big bite. It was sooo good and while chewing the first bite, I bit the hell out of my lower lip. It made me so mad that I slammed the spoon down hard in the middle of it and watermelon went everywhere, and I do mean everywhere. I screamed out loud and just had a major melt down filled with tears and everything. I don’t do things like that. I used to on an almost regular basis when I was young, but there is rarely a reason for it these days and I’ve spent years teaching myself anger management. There really isn’t a reason to do it tonight, it’s just this funk or whatever it is. Thank God I live alone and no one was here to have to deal with it besides me. It took me thirty minutes to clean the mess up.
I know someone is going to remind me about the comedian that did the watermelon thing (I forget his name) but trust me when I say, there was nothing funny about what I did. I grew up in and married into violence and this was a violent outburst and it bothers me severely that I went there at all, let alone four or five times in one evening. Maybe one melt down triggered the next or something, I don’t know.
I came here originally to be able to write about feelings and things that go on and hopefully get feedback on them. I try to stay positive for the most part, but I’ve also poured my heart out on more than one occasion. Tonight, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I’m waiting for my head to start spinning around on my shoulders or something. So freaking weird! I hope tomorrow is better. That damned watermelon is going to the chicken pen come daylight!