People Are Who They Are!

For Melissa

It has been a harrowing weekend for me. I poured my heart and frustrations out here and the response and the comfort and the acceptance was overwhelming to say the least. I cannot thank you all enough for holding my hand and sending your hugs and offering your time. Your friendship gave me the strength and your words of comfort gave me the encouragement to pick myself up and move on and I have.

I spent the day today with my son and his wife and my granddaughter and it was absolutely wonderful. I needed to get out of the house and feel some love and that I did. My son has a problem with drugs as well, although not to the extent that my daughter does. He and I were able to sit outside in a beautiful country setting and talk about what happened with his sister. He was heartbroken and cried with me and it really was more beautiful than I could ever explain in words. I think it made him take a hard look at himself and realize that he needed to make some changes as well. God does work in mysterious ways.

This is my beautiful loving daughter that I miss so terribly. She is so lost and I don't know how to reach her now.

For Melissa

I tried to just move on today,
Act like nothing went on, hope it would just go away.

But I know the painful loss that I feel,
I know that the battles are all uphill.

I know the hurt you must feel inside,
I know you've lost love and so much pride.

How do I reach you, for I know not where you are,
You're out on a ledge, way out there so far.

I'm afraid you will fall and never return,
My heart aches for you, as a mother I yearn.

I yearn for that child that I held in my arms,
That frail little life I kept safe and warm.

I miss you my love, please come back to me,
I'm so sorry I can't help you in this dark time of need.

You suffer I know, and I suffer for you,
My heart is broken completely in two.

I would give you my heart, my strength and my soul,
If you could just come back and be once again whole.

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23 responses

  1. So glad to hear that you had a wonderful day with your son and his family.
    Beautiful photos!!!
    Take care.

    June 20, 2010 at 8:30 pm

  2. I'm glad it was a good day for you. Your granddaughter is so cute learning to ride!
    I'm so sorry you've been going through what you have with your daughter. I wish I had some brilliant epiphany to offer. All I can say is that I hope there are much better times ahead–and take good care of yourself.

    June 20, 2010 at 8:56 pm

  3. Thanks LBreeze. It was a much needed break!

    June 20, 2010 at 9:14 pm

  4. Thank you Scott. I really appreciate that. Drug addiction is so difficult to live with. I've read so much about other people and what they have been through and have some how managed to live in denial or something I guess. I've always defended my daughter to everyone else and this is the first time that she's really put it in my face so to speak. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't think there is any great epiphany that could be offered. It's painful. They are out there in never never land. There is no rhyme or reason to it.

    June 20, 2010 at 9:22 pm

  5. I am sorry to hear that your daughter still seems lost but very glad that you are getting through to your son. It appears in the photo that he wants very much to be a good dad. I am also glad that you still care. I can still hear echoes in my mind
    of the kids that said "my parents didn't care", so they got high or
    whatever (for some, substance abuse wasn't the only problem).
    As I said, I know addiction to be an ugly thing. It takes a real shift of thought to stop and face the problems one tries to run away from. They never really go away, of course. I think some of us are running so hard that we don't want to think about life– just the next hit or rush. Of course, that hit/rush can come from a lot of things, and not just drugs.

    June 20, 2010 at 11:22 pm

  6. I'm glad you had a nice day and hope that your son and daughter will stop the drugs.

    June 21, 2010 at 12:14 am

  7. Thank you Maureen. I hope that they will too. I think the one (my daughter) may have helped to cleanse the other (my son) yesterday. I think they go through thinking that they are not hurting anyone but themselves. But I asked him to look at that beautiful daughter of his and try to imagine her swallowing the same pills that he does. Try to imagine trying to convince her not to swallow that pill while he was high on a pill himself. He cried. I pray it got through.

    June 21, 2010 at 7:27 am

  8. Oh, I hope that experience really did have a lasting effect on your son! Yesterday I heard this quote about wayward children:

    June 21, 2010 at 7:51 am

  9. I so hope that your talk with your son helped.

    June 21, 2010 at 8:00 am

  10. I've been absent from Vox for awhile and missed your last post. I read them all and thought of my sister who has a son who was on every drug imaginable and she went through all this that you're describing. The lies, the stealing, the false promises– all of it coming out of the mouth of your child who you want to believe but you cant' because it's the drugs and the addiction talking not them. Now he is apparently drug free except his main goal in life is to be a rock star and so I find it hard to believe that he's clean in this lifestyle. Or will stay clean. But the heartache she has gone through is unbelievable. I hate drugs and what they're doing to so many people–destroying lives & families.

    June 21, 2010 at 8:22 am

  11. Me too Karen. It is unfathomable. This was just one incident that just happened. It is hardly the "whole" story. This has been going on for so many years and with different drugs. She gets off of one drug and moves to another and claims she's clean because she isn't doing the drug she used to be doing. She thinks because these pills are not meth, that they are alright to do. I really went through horrors with the meth addiction. I moved out here to Alabama to get away and had been keeping her at arms length but I really needed her to be here this week because I was really afraid that I might stop breathing in the middle of the night. I'm just so devastated.I'm so sorry your sister has gone through it too and I agree, if her son thinks he wants to be a rock star, that's just a piece of it all he's trying to hang on to. He's not clean in his mind whether he's actually doing the drugs for now or not. It's a long journey back from addiction and I don't see my daughter even starting down the path yet. It's breaking my heart.Thanks for reading and catching up. I'm working on me right now and all my friends here have been such a gift.

    June 21, 2010 at 8:34 am

  12. Interesting– she's not doing a drug and then says she's clean. I'm pretty sure that's the kind of stuff my sister is hearing and she wants to believe it so she does. I hope things get better for you and you have peace about it.

    June 21, 2010 at 9:45 am

  13. Beautiful poem. Let's hope one of them has learned a lesson and does something about it. And maybe, just maybe it has a ripple effect!

    June 21, 2010 at 11:56 am

  14. jak, I'm sorry I missed answering your comment. It wasn't intentional. My son and I had just talked when the picture of him holding his daughter was taken and I think there is a lot more emotion in that hug than we will ever know. He's a good man and yes, definitely a good father and he does well for the pressures he has. I believe the whole thing really got to him and I am hopeful it does a lot to turn him around.

    June 21, 2010 at 2:51 pm

  15. Thank you Irony. Poems seem to flow out of me when I am emotional and I don't think I can get much more emotional than I have been the last few days. I too hope it has a ripple effect.

    June 21, 2010 at 2:53 pm

  16. I am so glad you got to have the time with your granddaughter and your son!! I know that was a much needed break and it is good that you had the talk with your son.

    June 22, 2010 at 10:42 am

  17. Alyssa is gorgeous – such pretty colouring. I'm glad you were able to spend a day with your son and grand-daughter. I love all the photos – goodness you and Melissa look like sisters in the photo of the two of you!

    June 23, 2010 at 8:19 am

  18. Thank you Emjay. Alyssa is a beautiful child and very well rounded. She plays T ball, she cheers, she rides four wheelers and horses. Her mother doesn't work and spends a lot of good time with her.As for Melissa, thank you for the compliment and yes we did pass for sisters on occasion and thought it was funny. Now, she looks like the mother or the grandmother. I started to post a couple of the horrible pictures I have of her now, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. She has done so much damage to herself with the drugs. She has been calling and texting every day since this happened and I won't talk to her. It's killing me but this is all I know to do right now. I've never turned away from her no matter what she did. I don't know if it's the right thing to do or not, but I have no other ideas right now. I need the cooling off time anyway. Right now I am trying to focus on staying busy and healing myself. I can't help her if I'm sick and depressed. I am feeling better physically and am back to work this week but my heart is still heavy. I am praying a lot.

    June 23, 2010 at 8:40 am

  19. Hello..I think she'll come around..your son looks to be fair on the way..certainly loves his son..as you do..Peace Tony

    June 24, 2010 at 3:11 am

  20. Your poem was beautiful!

    June 24, 2010 at 9:10 pm

  21. Lady, I didn't read all the comments, but I did go back a few days and see how tortured you are over your daughter's addiction. I don't mean this to sound cliche, but have you considered contacting the A&E show "Intervention"? Your life reads like a page from this show, maybe it could work for you and Melissa. My heart goes out to you. I couldn't, can't be on the outs with my daughter…I just can't even imagine your anguish. (((hugs)))

    July 10, 2010 at 7:37 am

  22. HA! I have actually thought about that. But I couldn't do that. Things will work out. I don't know how or when, but they will. Thanks for going back and reading.

    July 10, 2010 at 10:56 am

  23. your life sounds like an episode from the show, do you ever watch it? i couldn't do it either, but most of the families are at rock bottom and it is the last chance. but who wants to air their dirty laundry on tv. (coming from someone who did just that on Oprah post divorce, lol)

    July 11, 2010 at 7:19 am

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